Those Darn Triggers

Those Darn Triggers

It happened slowly….

The emotions….the anger….the intensity…..the anger….. the heartache…..the anger….the memories….the anger…..

The words, derogatory, hateful and cutting, began swirling through my mind….louder, bigger, angrier…..

Until...

I was going through my photos, deleting videos and photos to free up some space on my phone.  I started in 2022 and went backwards.

2021…2020…August, July, June, May, my dogs, my cows, my sheep, my bees, my goats… Lazy B Farm.

 

And that’s when it started.  The emotions.... The words I was feeling....

How could he?!     Why would he?!

My beautiful memories, my realized dreams, all the hard work to create a homestead that gave so much back to me, my family, my community….

Gone.

 

Blackness began to seep over cherished visons of our children, family, traditions …and my heart began to fill with resentment, hurt, and the dreaded feeling of powerlessness.

How could I have been such a fool?  How was it that I had slowly handed over the control of my life to a single human?

 

Even after he walked out the front door of our home, I always believed he would choose me.  Our family.  And he would fight for our marriage.

He didn’t.      He didn’t.      He didn’t.

 

Instead, he became the catalyst for mass devastation in my life….

      STOP!

Before the black hole began to close in over my head as I stood there in my cabin, hand on the fridge, I made myself focus on these words. 

He no longer has control over me!  His power is gone!  He can no longer determine the course of my life with his decisions!

Only God can.  Always.  And God will not abandon me.  And God loves me perfectly.  And God is trustworthy with no hidden agenda.  And God wants the best for me and never my destruction.

God brought me to Montana for healing.  I have an amazing relationship with 3 of my beautiful daughters and their families.   He gave me a beautiful home in PA next to my eldest daughter, her husband and four children.  He’s provided a job that I love.  I was able to keep my dog, Piper.  I am content, full of joy, living a life filled with wonder and adventure.

And my list of thankfulness and praise continues on in my head, deafening the doleful drone of negativity and past hurts.

 

I stand up straight, take my hand off the fridge, and move forward confidently as one who has been victorious in battle.

 

Yes, horrible events happen to us, perhaps at the hand of someone you thought loved you. 

But God….